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The Dynamitegun Guide on How to Travel to Anyplace, Part II
And how to be fed whilst doing so
Let's face it. You need food. So do I. I had no idea what I was getting into when
I boarded the plane en route to Seoul-Incheon airport. We were regularly bombarded
by snacks. Snacks, drinks, coffee, orange juice, soda, and free beer. Free beer?
Why my friend, I think I shall! It was a recipe for disaster in any other setting, but
strangely enough, the scene didn't get as ugly as I'd anticipated, so the shiv I made out of
my chopsticks had to be sheathed without drawing blood.
After about 40 minutes into the flight, they served dinner. Dinner? I had no idea what
the heck was going on, I was 40 minutes into a highly involved session of Farcry 2
when this food nonsense started. But I'll give you a little tour of the plate.
**SUBSTANDARD PHOTOGRAPH ALERT**
So I guess I should start the first round of apologies. Now, normally I edit photos with photoshop. Well, I wasn't able to bring my computer with me to basic training, so when I got out, I bought a new computer. It doesn't have photoshop. So I'm currently looking at obtaining a legitimate copy of photoshop (only the best for DGCOM) and other necessary materials. I also normally use a Canon 30D digital camera with studio lighting...I have none of these things now. I am forced to use a Compact digital camera. Do you understand the desperation I feel on a daily basis with having to use this equipment? It's like giving Michaelangelo half a box of dry markers and a blank ceiling! In fact, it's exactly the same thing!
Ug...so, now clockwise from upper left; caprese salad, fruit salad, beef and mashed potatoes AND peas,
roll with margarine, and FREE BEER!
So let's start with the salad. It was ho-hum. In fact, the whole meal was ho-hum. I ate every bit of it, of course,
because once you've stared down the barrel of a cheezy pretzel pie and told it to slep its mother,
you can take any dietary monstrosity that rears its ugly head. But the caprese was almost entirely tasteless, which was
startling, because everything in it traditionally has a distinct and endearing flavor.
Next, the fruit salad. I'm being very kind here. The fruit salad was honeydew and pineapple. The pineapple was
plump, juicy, and exploded with the flavor of 1,000 suns with every bite. The honeydew was clearly there to
take the pressure off of the pineapple, sort of the honeydew's Ed McMahon to pineapple's Johnny Carson. Andy Richter
to Conan O'Brien's sweet, explosive flavor postule.
So, I should spend a little extra time on the main course. I was somewhat nonplussed at the idea that I, as an American, should be on a plane that represents the Land of the Morning Calm and actually NOT eat any Korean food. Could you imagine such a thing? But here it is. The main course.
**SUBSTANDARD PHOTOGRAPH ALERT**
Yeah. Some kind of beef with mashed potatoes and peas. May I ask what this airline is trying to attempt here? To placate the American palate? Perhaps. Obviously there are a lot of people out there whose taste buds have never attempted the delicate flavor bouquet of the Tac'oaxaca'za, but I demand a little more in my airline food. I wouldn't make this mistake again. Now, I am partly to blame here, as I speak no Korean and the stewardess, as was to be doubly expected, spoke no English. One day...the world will become perfect. And the entire speaking world will know the language that I speak.
So fast forward past the meal...what...an hour? Absurdity abounds here. After some 15 minutes after they pick up the trays, they bring out a tray of hot towels. It was pretty lame, since the towel turned from steaming hot remedy to cold compress in about sixteen seconds flat. BUT! Before long, they bring out this little gem...
Yes! A pork bun, hot, steaming, and surprisingly delicious, was placed in my view. Whether
or not I was actually supposed to take one didn't occur to me. All that mattered was that there
was a brand new taste experience and I was going to ride it all the way to the cosmos.
Luckily though, this instance was one of few in this culture where the expectation of flavor was
met with a corresponding return of actual real life taste. Ever think you're about to bite into
a sweet breakfast confection and you end up tasting something like Pla-Doh with dried beans in it?
I have. Welcome to Korea. Jerk.
Things were a little blurry after this. I am convinced now that it was laced with percoset
or some other intense opiate, because I passed out almost instantly after eating it.
I'm also convinced that I missed a few snacks while I was out cold and drooling all
over myself. Thankfully there was nobody next to me, as his incredulity would
have only served to embarrass himself. There was another full meal though, and it was a
trifle more exciting than the first one.
What we have here is something that takes the previous meal and slaps it in the face, leaving it to wonder where it all went wrong. Clockwise from upper left- julienne salad with some kind of vinegar, lemon sponge cake, brown rice tea, chicken and sticky rice, and a nice crusty roll. Oh, hell yes! Let's take a closer look. Salad and cake first, if you don't mind.
**SUBSTANDARD PHOTOGRAPH ALERT**
Ok, just listen. Have you ever attempted macrophotography with a compact digital camera
in an airplane? Then SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
Now, The salad was slightly sweet, slightly salty, tangy, aromatic, and was an angelic hashing of
carrots, cucumbers, something, and something else. Does it really matter? It was MAD good, yo!
The cake was pillowy soft, with a silky smooth lemon creme inside that double-faked the tongue into
thinking it would be sour, and then laid down its arms and allowed the sweetness and high
citrus notes to take their time and do their work. NEXT!
And now the beverage. I am a big tea fan, as to be expected of me, yes. I have tried various and sundry varieties of tea from around the world. I've had enough detox tea to clean out the Statue of Liberty. I've gulleted enough Kombucha spores to seed life on distant planets. I've steeped enough orange pekoe to choke a Chinaman. I had never, until this time, attempted a brown rice tea, which, now that I've been in country for some time, seems to be EVERYWHERE. It is as common here as tea in China, and almost as common as tea in Japan. Strangely enough, I don't remember the water source. I'm assuming that I got it from the kindhearted stewardess with the big pot of boiling water, but at this point I find the idea of carrying a pot of scalding hot water down a path so precarious as a jumbo jet aisle to be unwittingly absurd...so I think I got it from the lavatory. Either way, the tea was a light brown, sensuous experience. Full of earthy low chords and flowery mellotron. The tea was practically a Beatles song.
Well, its time to hit the old dusty trail...click to see the Trav-Epilogue!
On to the horrible final chapter of this journey.
Back to Page one of the Travelogue
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