Birthday Twinkie

If you need an excuse to eat a Twinkie...

Most of us get something very special for our birthday. Well, most of us aren't in the Army, where the average birthday consists of waking up at 4:30am, being hassled all day, and eating a 3 year old shelf-stabilized meal for lunch. Oh, good times, good times. But there are small triumphs in the dog days of (season) here. Just today my roommate got something in the mail for his birthday. In brilliant military fashion...it came a day late. No bother...for he opened up a veritable corrugated Pandora's box of delectable treats- smoky venison jerky, buffalo sausage, and all kinds of crazy stuff you could only find in a box sent to an American Soldier. The crown jewel of this cornucopia is something that I haven't eaten in months...no...years.
Literally years.

A Twinkie.

I attempted to deny the Twinkie at first...but knowing that it is his birthday present, and that he was sharing some of his birthday present with me...and that I know that the only instance where I will eat a Twinkie is when I will receive one as a present since I would never be caught dead buying one.
I really want to hate Twinkies. I want to hate them. I want to punch Twinkies in the stomach. They're cheap. By cheap I don't mean inexpensive. They embody cheapness. They embody malaise and sloth. When you think of a slob, what do you imagine them eating? Twinkies. Perhaps Twinkie Fudge...but it is the common thread that ties together the dreams and realities of every sofa pirate I've ever known.
That being said, the Twinkie is not an altogether unlikable snack. It is, at first glance, instantly recognizable. Nobody will ever see one and wonder what it is. In fact, I cannot remember a time where I didn't know what a Twinkie was. Can you? Of course you can't. So when I knew that I was actually going to eat one, I have to say...I was kind of excited. I rarely get to eat these things, as they are on my dietary 'doo-doo' list.
At first bite, the Twinkie is generally a bit on the tough side. In fact, they are a bit tough on every consecutive bite as well...but biting through, they collapse upon themselves, giving way to much softness and just as much creme. The flavor of the cake isn't like anything else you'll ever taste. I think it is a sponge cake, but I've had sponge cake and it doesn't taste like this. But the taste isn't bad. In fact, the taste starts on a deep cavernous heft, but lifts instantly into a mellifluous high note that is rather unexpected, but not uninvited.

The Twinkie has odd habits as well, like melding to anything that it touches within a matter of minutes. Are you assuming that it doesn't do to your colon what it does to that plate? My friend... you are living a lie.
The creme is the most challenging aspect of the Twinkie. For being the highlight of the piece, it is surprisingly underwhelming. The flavor is flat and uninspired-what flavor there is needs much coaxing and smacking to unearth- which is a crude counterpoint to its texture, a heavy yet feathery pillow all laid up amongst the sponge cake blankets.
What's even better than the actual taste is the fact that the Twinkie that I ate has notable sentimental value. Are you people aware that if I do not throw away this plate that I probably never will? It will take a grand conflagration in order to get rid of this plate- and one that happens out of my own power, my friends. That alone makes the Twinkie taste better. For the record, then, I cannot rate it against other, mundane, Twinkies.
All in all, I really enjoyed the Twinkie. It was a sweet rejoinder to my exceptionally salty Army dinner, and the presentation just cannot be beaten. Perhaps if it were three times the current size, and maintained the current nutritional value. That'd be nice. Or hey, if it came with a dollar tucked inside. That'd be pretty cool, too.

The Good

High notes and ribald flavor, cloudy soft and flowing creme, the fact that it was a present.

The Bad

The cake is tough, and it ain't getting any softer. The creme doesn't have enough flavor to match the overpowering flavor of the cake. Wait...maybe the cake is too flavorful and the creme is just fine! I don't know! Whatever it is, it falls short.

Oh, and maybe this?

Birthday Twinkie: 86%

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