Kinder Bueno

The most boring you can get while still being wrapped in chocolate.

Since moving to Germany I have become privvy to many of the delights known only to The Land of Chocolate (Germany) and most of the rest of the world, in fact). Now, when you think of such things, you mainly think of large anachronistic men with big necks and great white (indescribably clean) chef's outfits, faithfully applying their craft by light of a misty morn, on a huge wood-block countertop. Alone. And the guy is fat...always fat. Anyway, the point is that not everything is so brilliantly crafted. One such treat is the Kinder Bueno.

The Kinder Bueno is a strange device. It portends to be a chocolate covered wafer receptacle inside of which a sort of hazelnut filling lies, and is garishly emblazoned with a differently colored chocolate drizzle. Do not ask me to describe this drizzle further. Upon opening the treat, it looks promising enough- even Twix-like in appearance. Oddly enough, the two sticks are seperately wrapped, which cause both an excess in waste and an excess in energy spent in getting to the candy itself. Do I have time to be bothered in opening THREE wrappers in order to eat candy? No. I do not. Perhaps it is to trick the consumer into saving one for later, and instead only indulging in one piece at a time, you know, for health or some crap. This enraged me, because no man in his late twenties is going to eat a single stick and be able to look himself in the eye later when he is admiring his glowing visage, which is what all men do, always, anterior to his nightly retirement.

I did think for a quick moment that since it is a Kinder product (Kinder in German meaning 'children') that it might be to encourage the meting out of candy to children, but I'm no child, now am I? I found it insulting to be called a child by a piece of candy. Upon eating the treat (in one small bite at first, to get a good photo, and then the rest in one bite) I found the consistensy to be immediately intriguing, but then flat; like The Village wrapped in chocolate. The chocolate is good quality, though probably just because it has slightly less parrafin than American chocolate. The crispy case is top notch, and holds its structural integrity throughout the eating process. The problem in this candy is the filling. It is so drab and unsatisfying as to actually call it 'filling', because it deserves no term more flowery than that. It tastes like hazelnuts, but only in the sense that it tastes more like hazelnuts than, say, motor oil.

In summation, I don't think I'll be eating any more 'Buenos' any time soon, and I'm insulted by the very notion that it is called 'Bueno', which, strangely enough, also means 'Bueno' in Spanish. Well, Kinder, I'm afraid that your candy is, in fact, nones the Bueno. I did, however, enjoy eating candy, because what can I say? Candy is awesome.

The Good

Solid construction, decent chocolate. It's candy.

The Bad

A filling that tastes like nutty caulking, unsatisfying. One of the few culturally insensitive candies I've ever seen.

Kinder Bueno- 53%

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