How to read a Shopping List: Part Two: Items 1-6
By Budiak
Let's get a move on, shall we? This list isn't going to tear itself apart.
Item One: Fabric Softener
The eventual folly of this and many of the items on this list is that no brand or specific product name was given. Not even a particular scent, or class of scent, is so much as hinted at. This is not to discredit the list requestor- as I've shopped for enough women to know that they are slavishly exacting when it comes to both cleaning and hygeine products. The fabric softener section of the market is inundated with an unneccessary abundance of choices so vast that unless this poor sap is daring enough to open all of the boxes and is also wearing a sufficiently fresh shirt, he is doomed to failure.
Item Two: Dinners
Much like item number one, there is stark disconnect between the intended goal of this request and the inevitable outcome. To a woman, a dinner is something light- a single dish, a personal mac and cheese, or a chicken parmasean with vegetable medley. These would most likely come from a company that offers sensible faires and has clean, white packaging with earthy logos. Something that is a nutritious alternative to the gut-bombs that her once-bachelor prefers. He might pick one or two of these up, but he will buttress each healthy meal with an obnoxiously titled meal of downright offensive food. Perhaps a half chicken with a quarter rack of ribs, sweet creamed corn, two biscuits, and a bbq chocolate cake. He will race home to put the food away so he can hide these deep in the freezer.
Item Three: Milk
Strangely, several choices exist here as well. Unlike other foods, this poor sap will probably just shoot for the cheapest milk he can buy. Since he probably doesn't have any WIC coupons on him, he will buy sub-store brand milk in whatever fat percentage he feels reasonable. It should all be hormone-free at this point, so his idea of giving the kids an edge at soccer camp was all for naught.
Item Four: Tide
No doubt about it- he is most likely going to buy basic red-bottle, blue-label Tide. There is no problem here because there is probably no difference between all of the different Tides. It is possible that he will buy a generic product which is in the same shape and color bottle with a look-a-like label which contains the exact same product. Here he scores valuable points for thrift.
Item Five: Milk
Unless is it a family of baby cows, there is a distinct problem here. The list might possibly have been remembered and written down later as soon as a suitable slip of paper and writing utensil became available, or this was an extremely important item because of Item Eight. In all likelihood he is going to forget the milk altogether.
Item Six: Potatoes
Thankfully enough, our hero will excel at choosing this item. For most home cooks, all potatoes are interchangeable, as red and russets can be mashed or roasted or fried. This guy will probably steer clear of fingerling and yukon gold varieties because they tend to be more expensive and are rarely available in a 12 pound sack. Our guy will grab a bag and go, victorious.
Part Three: Items 7-12

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