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Classic Video Games Part 2: A Selection of Games that Just Aint What They Used To Be.

A short disclaimer here. All of the statements in the following article are made based on the webmaster's experience. Some of the games are Terrible- some of them are better than they used to be. Others are complete train wrecks. Nostalgia...sometimes should stay that way.

Bad Dudes

Yes. Bad Dudes. A title that has transcended the game itself. A game which, at the mere utterance of its title, invokes visions of face-kicking, fingerless-glove wearing, acid-washed jean adorned Bad freakin' Dudes. So bad!
The problem is that the next screen is the best part of the game.

I can barely contain myself whenever I see this screen. I throw open my window and scream out the challenge to all of the dudes who think that they may be so bad as to rescue the president from these vile karate-chop slinging, pajama wearing rogues!
...and then this happens.

Just your luck. Some gray wearing punk runs up, throws a bunch of enormous caltrops at your feet, and then just runs away! Not only that, but you're balancing magically on top of a fence, and if you jump down you have to deal with some other dude with a katana. What the hell is going on?
The controls, by the way, are some of the worst I've ever experienced. I still don't know if punching or jumping is one button or the other. The buttons seemed to change depending on what direction you are facing, but I can't figure it out. I resolved most fights by jumping (quite badly), over guys as they ran around me, until they ran away out of frustration.
And what happens if you take a few too many kicks to the dome?

That's right. The primary health-bringer-upper is a can of Coca-Cola Classic. So not only is the slang and the fashion dated, but how politically incorrect could you possibly be these days to be paying a junk food tax in order to get a health increase? And if these guys were really that Bad, wouldn't they be drinking beer?
So how is the gameplay? It's hard. Hard as hell. In fact, way harder than I remember. I remember playing the arcade game and having an easier time, but these old NES ports were notoriously poor versions of their wood cabinet progenitors. Often with the bad port came a drastic downgrade in graphics, sound effects, and often controls as well. This game is a prime example of how an arcade to NES port went terribly, terribly awry. After recently playing, I couldn't beat the first level. I don't think the game is impossible, but it would definitely take some getting used to the controls, characters phasing in and out of existence randomly, and timing.

The verdict?

I don't feel so good.

Friday the 13th

I remember this game scaring the living daylights out of me. I couldn't play it at night, and I wanted somebody in the room or close by when I was playing. The scariest part?

It makes no sense.

Use the torch...what torch? I often find lighters on zombies that I kill...with rocks...every fifteen feet...in a game based on a movie where there were, in fact, exactly zero zombies. There are also killer birds or something, that sweep down at you when you are on a rowboat to attack you. For some reason. From the first screen, the game just makes no sense.
Also, when did Crystal Lake become a training ground for superhuman camp counselors?

So back to the torch. I have played the game for some time for this article, and I haven't found a single fireplace. Or torch.
Gameplay seems simple though. You run around bashing zombies in the face with enormous rocks until you hear the distress signal that all camp counselors in the film carried. You know. The one that alerted them to the danger? You remember, from the movie, right? So the alert rings out and you go to the map, which shows you the location of where some defenseless children are being accosted.
Run there as fast as possible, and all of a sudden this hulking beast appears out of nowhere, throws a hatchet at you, and you crumple to the ground, bloodied and lifeless.



In the game's defense, Jason comes out at you out of absolutely nowhere and it startles me every time. I am a combat veteran, and this lousy game where a big, bulbous purple goalkeeper scares me.
The good news is that if you hit Jason enough times, with rocks or with knives that all camp counselors are trained to throw with expert precision, he will leave you alone.
For now...

FOR NOW?! What kind of game is this? When I crush a man's skull with a rock or throw a knife into his chest from 40 feet away I expect him to stay down. Not in this world. Not this universe.
In all reality, the game is scary, but not for the intended reasons. The game is frightening because you never have any idea what is going on. You have a gossamer thread of guidance and atmosphere that is tendenciously related to the movie of the same name.
Hear the distress. Run towards the blinking house. Get attacked by Jason. Get beaten within an inch of your life and barely escape. Get to the house. Turn a corner...

Life is cheap at Crystal Lake.
You have six counselors to control...which is a good thing, because they are tough as a group of screaming infants. Eventually, your teamwork will pay off and you'll defeat evil incarnate!

No kidding.

Castlevania

Castlevania. THIS game is sure to have stood the test of time, right? One vicious whip-thrashing after another, tossing snake-haired crone heads all over the place, all in brilliant living color. A classic horror throwdown.

So what, right? So most of the top half of Simon Belmont's body is gone. Big deal. The Belmont clan has faced worse hardship than this in their generations-long quest to destroy Dracula.
But what the Belmonts might not have prepared for is terrible graphics. This is, however, one of the earliest NES titles, released in 1986. A mob of vaguely humanoid, purple monsters comes running at you. So naturally, you wail on them with a morning star until they explode!

AWWW come on, Castlevania! At least let the characters stay solid long enough to kill something. Well, either way, I don't really have much of a gripe with this game. It is still a solid game. I used to hate it, actually. Not because it scared me, but because it was too hard. The actual gameplay is decent, though a bit linear for most of today's tastes. So at the end of the day, it turns out that this a classic and rightfully so. Looks like we've found a rare example of a game that has matured, like a fine vintage wine, and is crisp and fresh just like the day you forgot it existed.

There are only two things that I find peculiar in the game.
First off, why the hell do you have a boomerang...

...and why is it appropriate for Vampire hunting? Is this the type of exotic weaponry that the Japanese programmers thought would be required to hunt such game? Remember that these are the same people that require you to eat an entire roasted turkey in order to regain two health bars. Or to drink a Coca-Cola to replenish your stamina.
Next, the entire premise of the game should be addressed. I understand that the Belmonts have been hunting Dracula for generations upon generations, since time immemorial. Dracula, on the other hand, constantly has it coming. I mean look at the beginning of the game. How is it that the Belmonts find Dracula every time?

Sloppy, Dracula. Real sloppy.

Iron Sword: Wizards and Warriors 2

Now wait...is that who I think it is? Is that...FABIO??

Yes. It absolutely is Fabio. Little did you know that before he was pushing deodorant or getting pelted in the face with seagulls, Fabio was one of the most used models for trash romance novels. If you picked up a book with Fabio on the cover you knew that you were about to be cheeks-deep in some grade-A smut. So, Iron Sword, how do you do justice to your cover art? How does the in-game representation of our pumped-up protagonist stack up?

That's it? He's like two feet tall! You'd do better in the game if you played as the blacksmith! The blacksmith who, by the way, does not appear to be wearing pants. And remember that you're in a full set of armor, as well. So Fabio is even smaller than he looks.
But we're here to look at gameplay. That is first and foremost, folks. Remember that. Gameplay!

No, folks, he's not having a nap on that precipice with his hawk buddy. That rotten winged puke viciously attacked our hero for NO reason whatsoever. No reason. You show up and all of a sudden there are these man-eating birds swarming you and there is apparently no way to defend yourself. Despite the fact that you have a sword, and the name of the game is Iron Sword. The name of what you should know how to use is THE TITLE OF THE GAME.
I know you have a sword. Even if the one that you appear to be carrying at the outset is in fact not a sword, I know that I have one. How can I be so sure?

But you apparently found the armor and weapon in a closet or thrift store and just went out to fight...something...without any formal training whatsoever. Yes, that guy existed in the age of myth and magic.

Perhaps my biggest beef with this game is that there is no goal that presents itself to you. I used to love this game, actually. I remember playing this game. A lot. I remember loving it, but oddly enough, I do not remember ever getting past the purple mountain level (level 1). I didn't care back them. Maybe I didn't have the capacity to care about that kind of thing back then.

Yes, I get it. There's a map. I know it's the map because it says THE MAP on the map. But the map is useless. You don't use the map. The map uses you!
Ok, I'm being dramatic. If you're wandering around long enough, getting attacked by birds and flying smurfs...

You'll eventually find...

...which you can gamble away pointlessly...

...in order to win yourself...

...the chance to play a different game.

Tecmo Bowl

Tecmo Bowl...it's one of those games that you actually hear about a lot. It was a big deal when it came out. I remember a friend of mine going all over town to buy it, not having any luck because everybody was sold out. How can that be? Perhaps it can be because the game is just that good. Full team rosters, state-of-the-art controls, and the most realistic graphics available in computer entertainment!

Hey, what the hell IS all of that crap on the screen?
I don't know, but it kind of looks like all of those guys are sitting down. There are also some piles of pixels with no apparent purpose- and one of them is labeled "2". I remember this game having much better graphics than this...
No, no. Let's not focus on one thing. I think that the major draw for the game was the hyper-advanced play calling system. I remember having to memorize the entire San Francisco 49ers playbook (which I actually had to steal (ok, I paid somebody to steal it*)) in order to take advantage of the freedom of control of this game.

Oh. Um...four plays possible at any given time. That's not quite what I remembered.
Regardless, I spark up an old rivalry between the San Francisco 49ers and the Denver Broncos. Two legacies, two kingdoms of sport!
After fiddling with the controls, however, I was convinced that the Denver Broncos, as an organization, was fully stacked with blood-doping high-altitude training, aryan supermen. It's the only way they could run so fast and tackle me with dives from 50 feet away.
Going into halftime, I wasn't doing so well. Despite the fact that the computer was cheating (and the computer ref wouldn't respond to my allegations), I went forward.

Halftime gives me a much needed respite from the pressures of the contest. The coach gives us a rousing speech in the locker room and everybody is going crazy with enthusiasm for the second half. Outside, the crowd is enthusiastic about something else.

Trash.
Anyway.
So the coach has the team all riled up. We come screaming out of the tunnel and break from a quick huddle with furious vigor.
The line is silent...armies lined up on the front...the calm before the storm. In a flash, the hike comes back- the line of scrimmage crashes like a tsunami against the shore! Amidst the clamor and tumult, I let the ball soar from my fingers...

RICE SCORES! THE CROWD GOES WILD! HOPE IS RESTORED!
Come on, Denver. Let's finish this.

I guess I also wasn't as good as I remember being.

That's it for now. Get out of here. Go!
Statements marked with an asterisk are not true.

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